Dormant, Contained and Insipid; Words I lived by on-and-off for about 7 years. Why? When faced with grief after death, I chose fear. I simply could not deal with death and with success thereafter. I stopped believing in my life.
I had never dealt with loss, and when my grandmother (Ana) died, I was devastated. I mourned. Six months later, a drunk driver killed my boyfriend and good friend (Jarod). Overwhelmed by grief, I shattered.
Here’s the thing: When we experience loss it feels like we too should die. And yet we don’t. There is a reason for that, but we refuse to see past the pain. We are humans and thus flawed.
Flawed, yes, and alive. This realization paralyzed me. I could not find a way to deal with reality nor with a way to live fiercely. I was consumed with failing. I gave up my ambitions, passions and voice. I welcomed uncertainty. I chose to be extinguished- an ember on its way to ash, a flame no more.
My waking death consisted of inflicting the worst torment I could withstand. I smoldered any goals I had set for my life. My judgment: a world with no art, no music, no words and least of all success. Absolution never came. Drumming up the courage to sketch/paint, to play, or to write became a difficult, almost impossible, remedy.
Am I still sentenced? Not quite.
In the past 3 years, I struggled to make the shift from suffocation to breath. And as I fought to find my way, I discovered the blessings in my life: hope, faith and love. The hope, I have not lost absolutely. The faith, I found to dream passionately absent of fear. And the love, which carries me through life’s ups and down.
Speaking of love, I did find it again. And though, I loved fervently; the man I loved did not truly exist. In the end, he only brought me deception, manipulation and tears. Regardless of what I feel for this man now or where I stand with him, I am blessed to say that our love produced a baby!! I am 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and I’m 23 days from my expected due date of December 30, 2011.
My undying commitment is to my son and to myself. This is my journey, and I would like to share it here with ALL who dare visit my blog. ;) DIY, Experiences, Freebies/Giveaways, Gift Guides, Recipes, Projects… the options are limitless, and I will share every bit of it in this space.
What I have found is: LIFE is too short to waste, DO as much as possible. Don’t take the details- the small moments in life- for granted. It’s the details that stay with us. It’s the details that we remember… Always and Forever.
First DO: Launch this blog (my first ever) and Etsy site!! J
Stay tuned... More details underway!!
What a great first post!
ReplyDeleteNo matter how many times one experiences grief, it still hurts like the very first time.
I lost my best friend my freshmen year of college. I was away at school and he was back home. He chose to drove home drunk and got into an accident. No one else was involved, just his car.
It took me a few years to get through it. I blamed myself for being "selfish" and leaving my family and friends behind in the name of a higher education. I blamed myself because when I was home, I was always the DD. Our last phone call was him telling me how excited he was that he got his own car, and that when I came home for Christmas, he'd be driving ME around for a change. I told him to call me back b/c I was at work and couldn't chat- he never did call and I never spoke to him before he died.
Sorry for the novel of a comment- just wanted to let you know that I can relate! And I look forward to reading more =)
Congrats on moving forward with your life - and soon, you too, will be responsible for another life in this world....let that baby boy know a mom Who is living the fullest and liveliest life imaginable! You are a talented writer- keep it up! You inspire me. My goal for today was to launch my blog - didn't happen - thank you for launching yours!
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